RTPT- actually on a thursday!

True Randomness...I'm teaching in 20 minutes. Then I'll get a break for lunch. Back to work. Break. Yoga. And then home.

This morning I'm thinking about this guy that has been flirting with me. He's young and cute and makes me feel all sexy and stuff. But...he's really just good for an afternoon. You know what I mean? Not that there's anything wrong with a nice afternoon...or a nice weekend for that matter. But if what I really want is a nice partner, do I enjoy the occasional weekend while I'm waiting for him to show up? Guess there is still a part of me that is a good Catholic girl and wants to keep certain things only for very special people.

Remember the downstairs neighbor - we'll just call her "CU" for short. Well, the other night, some guy pulls up in front of the complex, music blasting for blocks. Hops out and heads right toward her place. I knew she had a date coming over because she had arrived home shortly before, slamming doors and running the vacuum and tossing her garbage out the back door. He slams the door so hard, pictures rattle on my wall! Then the music starts blasting again and they start talking. I mean, I guess they were talking. It was so loud, I thought they might be having a fight. I gave up trying to hear the TV and went into my kitchen and did the dishes. Then I decided to vacuum.

So there I am vacuuming away and she comes and knocks on MY door, asking me if I could keep it down! Well - I told the bitch off. Nicely of course. Because I'm so nice. She tried to pretend that she didn't know anyone was living upstairs. She thought I moved out. Anyway. She really pissed me off good. And things have been relatively quiet down there. Meaning I can still hear her when she's at home. Doors still get slammed and trash still gets left out in the hall. But she has kept the conversation and music down to a low murmur. But I tell you...this is war....

Time to get ready to teach. later....

I'm back. Class was good today. Lots of questions, lots of fun. I like this. It makes the days just fly by. The draw back is...I don't have as much time to browse the net, read my blogs, catch up on other work. And I have this great kink in my neck now. Time to call Athena. My chiropractor's name is Athena. And she is a goddess. The kink is making it difficult to be on my laptop at home. I have a pretty funky setup there, one that lets me be more serious about my computer time at my desk. One that lets me be lazy and chat and watch tv and be with the cat. That's been the mode lately...and my neck is paying for it. Had to put the hot pack on it last night. I'll try to stretch it out in yoga tonight. See if that helps.

Time to get back to work. Got a stack of stuff on my desk to deal with before my staff meeting at 1:30. thanks for reading.

Real Freedom

I cannot take credit for the following. It was part of an email I received from my friend Kate Hawkes 5 years ago.

I still think there is much to think about here. Real Independence. Real Freedom. Not just flag waving and fireworks.

I wish you all peace and REAL freedom.

- kc

So the madness of the rush to celebrate is over. While it feels entirely appropriate for children to express their excitement with noise and bright lights and a frantic There it is! and Look! and Where is the next bright bang? I find that I am less in sync with that and more wanting to reassure the dog, admire the cat's ability to ignore it all (mind you she doesn't want to go outside) and wait until it is quiet again. I don't think that I am getting old and stodgy. I just realize, perhaps, that the colored lights, huge noises and the bigger, brighter more breathtakingly violent expressions of 'independence miss the real quality of that gift.

Surprisingly, real independence is in the still center, where we are responsible to others and ourselves, to some extent alone to make our own mistakes, and then to truly have real pride in our own achievements. That is real freedom. I wonder if the world we live in is afraid of that real freedom - is it easier to have others make the rules? Others to go to when something goes wrong? To hold them responsible? To get permission to see what we should and shouldn't do in our lives? And as more of those rules leak into our daily lives so we move further and further away from being able to both appreciate and express our freedom. We need more noise and brighter lights to hide from the still, quiet center of freedom... better this unceasing entertainment of talking about freedom than the more frightening and often rather dull act of living it.

So when the last explosion with the last sharp blossom fades out of the night sky, the night sounds settle back over the dark skyline, and the dog stops shaking, then I celebrate.

I wish for my daughter the courage to really live with/in freedom, examples from which to learn on how to do that, and the time and space to sit in the midst of that still quiet center often enough to recognize it when out in the noise of the world.

Random Thought Process Thurs...oh hell with it....

It's hot. I don't say that very often. See I have a sluggish thyroid and I'm usually cold. So if I'm sitting here at 9:30 at night with a fan blowing and I'm still sweating...it's hot. I feel bad that it's hot because my daughter has been complaining about the lack of sunshine in Boston. Not that I can do anything about it - but still. I feel bad.

I started sending cards to my mother this week. She's in a foster home now and they are trying to get her to start eating and taking her meds and doing her physical therapy. But I think she's truly lost the will to live now. This is really hard for me. Whatever else has passed between us, whatever narcissistic parenting she practiced, she's still my mother. And she's dying. I can't go visit her. I don't have the money or the time. So I hope she'll still be there in the fall and I hope to be able to take a weekend and visit her. In the meantime, I'll send her a card or note every week and let her know that she is still in my heart.

I'm tremendously frustrated by the political picture in this country. I voted for President Obama because I wanted change. I needed change. I want leadership that stands up to all the bullshit herding and finger pointing and name calling and just says - NO. I understand that you want to represent everyone and you want to be the president to everyone. But there are those out there who will never accept you as their president. They call you the teleprompter president like their own Bush and Reagan's never prepared speeches and read them to you. I'm just frustrated and even scared that the herd will follow someone like Sarah Palin "who talks like we do" and then we are really screwed. God help us.

I want him to lead...audaciously lead and stop the fear mongering and hate out there. Just lead.

I'm really cranky tonight. Hot and have a kidney infection and the damn Cipro makes my joints hurt and I can't drink enough and....just...blah.